Mothering Without a Mother: Finding Support Without Your Mum
Motherhood is a transformative journey marked by joy, challenges, and a myriad of emotions. Women turn to their own mothers for support during this time with a new understanding of what it is to be a mother, but for those who have lost their mothers or have complicated relationships with them, the journey can become a complex path, laden with a unique form of grief.
A Spectrum of Emotions
The absence of a mother figure can leave mums grappling with loneliness, anxiety, jealousy and anger among many other emotions. The void left by a departed or estranged mother becomes more palpable during the monumental moments of pregnancy and new motherhood. Becoming a mother doesn’t render you immune to wanting your mum during tough times.
Lingering Questions
Coping with pregnancy and new motherhood is fraught with questions such as 'What was my mum's pregnancy like?' ‘What was I like as a baby?’ or 'How did she handle all of this?' These unanswered questions linger bringing forth a profound sense of loss and add to the loneliness that new mothers already feel. This complex grief can manifest in various ways like feelings of jealousy or resentment when witnessing friends share moments with their mothers and children.
My Personal Journey
When my own mum passed away just before my son turned two, I felt a profound sense of loneliness as if the rug had been pulled out from under me.
My mum and I were close and the daily calls for advice and support were replaced with an emptiness that left me questioning my abilities as a parent. The feeling of disconnection from her grew with every parental challenge I faced. With each year, milestone, birthday and anniversary that passed, I understood the loss more profoundly and found myself longing for a chat that would never happen with the person who knew me best.
In these moments, like me, many mothers turn to parenting books and blogs, seeking guidance in the absence of maternal support. While these resources can offer short-term relief, they are often contradictory and can lead to even more confusion and self-doubt.
Embracing Support
The pivotal turning point for me was learning to accept support from others. Moving to a new town prompted me to forge new friendships, I dropped my guard and allowed my mother-in-law to step in with advice and guidance.
Initially, I was resistant, clinging to the belief that I needed to handle everything on my own. However, experiencing the power of accepting support and recognising my own needs as a mother became crucial in reclaiming a sense of myself and who I wanted to be as a parent.
Learning to Mother Ourselves
Learning to mother ourselves, asking for help, and soothing our own worries are vital skills. While we may not have the luxury of seeking our mother's advice, the way we choose to mother can be a reflection of the care we received from them.
The Benefits of Therapy
For mums navigating the challenges of motherhood without their own mothers, it's crucial to create a space to explore feelings and ways to cope with the twists and turns of parenting. This is where Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can play a transformative role.
CBT provides a safe space to unpack the emotions and beliefs associated with worries, low self-esteem, anxiety, and the self-doubt of mothering. By addressing these emotions head-on, CBT empowers mums to develop coping mechanisms and build resilience.
Navigating the Journey Together
Motherhood is a journey best shared, and even in the absence of your own mother, there are resources and support systems ready to help you flourish in this transformational chapter of life. Consider reaching out for a free consultation with a therapist as the first step toward understanding and navigating your emotions. Remember, you are not alone, and support is available to help you embrace the challenges and joys of motherhood.
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