One and Done: Embracing Life with One Child

As a therapist and parent of one child, I've seen firsthand the joys and challenges of choosing to have just one child. Whether it was a conscious decision or due to circumstances beyond your control, it's a deeply personal choice that often comes with unwelcome judgments and misconceptions.

Are you an only child yourself, perhaps you've never known what it's like to have siblings? How do you feel when people ask, "Who are they going to play with?" or say things like, "Just the one? What a shame!" It's exhausting to be judged for your family size, especially when that choice was made thoughtfully or was out of your hands. Do you feel pressured by friends and family to have more children? Do you worry about the stereotypes of only children being spoiled or self-centred, despite knowing these notions are not based in any evidence?

I understand this all too well. I'm an only child, who has chosen to stop at one. When my son was just a few days old, people started asking about our plans for a second child. The pressure began immediately, with tales of the 'perfect' age gap so siblings could play together. Initially, I considered having two children, but life had other plans. My mum passed away suddenly around the time we would have tried for another child, and it never felt like a good time. Yet, some people suggested having another child to help me 'get over' my mum's death. Adding to this, I experienced postnatal anxiety and didn't particularly enjoy being pregnant, so I wasn't eager to rush back into it. When thinking about whether or not to have a second child, societal norms and expectations weighed heavily on my mind.

I've been told that as an only child, I’m an exception to the rule as I appear to be quite ‘balanced’ and ‘unselfish’ which while I know it’s well intended, I find quite offensive as it reinforces ridiculous and unfounded myths about only children. There is a persistent myth that only children are spoiled, selfish, or lack social skills. However, research has shown that only children are just as well adjusted as those with siblings. They often develop strong bonds with friends and can become very independent and self reliant. The idea that siblings are necessary for social development is simply not supported by evidence.

The notion of the 'perfect' family with 2.4 children is shifting. More families are choosing to stop at one child, while others opt for larger families and others decide not to have children at all. Despite this, the stigma remains, and parents often feel judged for their choices. This can make us feel like we're failing our children or being selfish, which is far from the truth.

The decision to have only one child can be influenced by various factors, including financial considerations, career goals, health issues, and personal preferences. For some, the decision is made for them by circumstances beyond their control, such as infertility or medical concerns. For others, the choice is deliberate, based on the desire to provide the best possible upbringing for their child without spreading themselves too thin. The reality is that nobody knows your personal circumstances or why you've chosen, or not, to have one child. And frankly, they don't need to. There is no perfect family, only what is perfect for you. We all get to decide what our family looks like, free from judgment and societal pressure.

Coping with external pressure from family and friends can be challenging. It's important to set boundaries and communicate your reasons, if you feel comfortable doing so. Remember, your family dynamics are your own, and you don't owe anyone an explanation. If the pressure becomes overwhelming, seeking support from a therapist, friends or a support group can be beneficial.

So, to all the parents of one child out there, know that your family is complete just as it is. Let's celebrate our unique family stories and support each other in making the best choices for our own lives. Your family is perfect just the way it is, and it's time to embrace it without fear of judgment or stigma. Together, we can challenge societal norms and create a more accepting and understanding community for all types of families.

What’s your experience of having one child? Have you felt judged or has your experience been different? Are you struggling to decide what to do? Maybe you didn't have the privilege of that choice? Would love to hear your thoughts and experiences of this.

Get in touch to book a free consultation: hello@elspetherapy.co.uk